Would like to tell them!

[Beans on Toast]

Hi everyone, I have been searching threads about people telling family and friends about being in an IVA/bankrupt. We too are in the position of not being able to tell anyone of our situation. Fortunately I have a fantastic wife who I have no secrets from (except for the time we were both drawing off different cards without the other knowing [:I])

The problem is, we both have very good friends who we love and trust dearly, however, it is their partners that the problem lies with as far as trust goes. I would never want to put anyone in the position of having a secret from their loved ones, that's just selfish, and I know I would tell my other half! Our siblings are out of the question too because of this, and it hurts me because I come from a big family who I adore and I know would not judge us, but their partners.....!

We went out last night with our friends for a meal (nothing extortionate obviously) and later on in the evening when the ladies had retired [;)] I was left to chat with my best mate of over 20 yrs, I had to tell him we had taken out a loan to cover our credit cards and tie up any other little bits of HP, and to do this, we had taken out a short loan which of course came with a higher premium (not too far from the truth). This then could justify that we wouldn't be going out as much as we used to, and if we did, a meal would probarbly not be on the agenda.

The night was a good one, and we secretly used it as a celebration to getting our lives back on track after being accepted into an IVA. I wish I could have been more up front with my mate as we have been through a lot together, however, all things taken into consideration, we thought this the best way to go.

If anyone is still awake by this point, what I am trying to say is, sometimes you just have to play your cards close, maybe in a couple of years time our outlook may change and we will review our thoughts on the "circle of trust". until then, thank the lord for this forum, you are all a great inspiration to us [:)]

[chris.g]

I'm still awake!!! BOT a lot of people on here haven't told anyone apart from their partner's about what is happening. Personally, we told our families and thought, 'what the hell!!!!' There are much worse things in life but if you would rather keep shtumm that's fine. As you say, you always have us.....
xx

[Lisa2009]

BOT, dont feel as though you have to tell them just because they are your friends or family. Some people are very private and choose to keep these things to themself.
As long as you have your other half to talk to, and of course the forum, dont worry.

[MelanieGiles]

I am a great believer in sharing your difficulties with those you are closest to, but at the end of the day you don't really need to explain anything so long as your friends understand that money is tight for a while.

I have a very close knit circle of friends - there are 10 of us who have known each other for over 20 years, and within that group there have been two IVAs, one chap having to take a loan out to bale out his son's difficulties, and two divorces over the years.

We find that these days (and it is probably due to our entering middle age!) that the nicest evenings are round at each others houses, with a meal and a couple of cheap bottles of plonk! We have a system where one couple provides the starter, the main couple provide the main course, and others bring the pudding, cheese and choccies for afterwards. It is a cheap as chips to do, and far more enjoyable than sitting in an expensive pub. When the warm weather comes you can revert to the BBQ, and no-one feels that they have to "keep up with the Joneses".

If your friends are true friends they will understand and want to support you, and if they say they will pay for dinner don't be too proud to say no.

[Viki.W]

Hey Beans, I know exactly what you mean, I would like to justify my moods to everyone as the people close to me can obviously see that things aren't good. My husband and Dad know but there is no way I'm telling my brother. I'm having to sell my restaurant to settle my debts and also because it just isn't making any money anymore and I feel some people might see that as a failure. It's funny though because I did confide in my two best friends and found out that one of them is also in a lot of debt and is worried about her situation and the other one had to make a debt management agreement with her creditors a couple of years ago. I guess there are more and more people in the same situation as us...we just don't know it. As for me, enough people know now and I have everyone here to talk to and that is a great comfort. v.w X

[Beans on Toast]

Glad you weren't all bored by the tale of woe, we did have a good time, and as Melanie has just reminded me, we are BBQ animals, hopefully we'll get a better summer than last year [:)]

[chris.g]

I agree with Melanie, you don't need to go out to have a good night with your friends. Good home cooked food with a few glasses of vino can be as good as any night out. Plus no taxi fares to pay.....got to be a good thing.....
I am also hoping for a good summer, I would have bbq'd food every night if hubby let me.....
xx

[sblack]

Hi BOT
I can fully understand what you are saying. We are into the 2nd month of our IVA and we haven't told a soul what we are doing.
I just feel like we would be judged as being failures and I feel that while ever we can manage between us then that is all we need.
I worry that if I did tell someone then it only takes one little slip from them and then everyone finds out and I don't want to take that risk at the moment. I suppose the full extent of everything is still sinking in and we are getting used to the lifestyle changes.
Our children know that things are a little tight for a while but we haven't told them the full story as they are really too young to understand.
This forum is a godsend and to have someone to talk to who fully understands the situation and what we are going through is brilliant.
Thank you

[Beans on Toast]

I think the toughest thing is that we don't live close to my friend, we only see them once every couple of months. This is why I threw the loan thing in, as they see our visits as a reason to go out for a meal, which, I must say, we aren't really that bothered about anyway, rather have a few beers and nibbles at home!

[chris.g]

Yeap, I'm with you BOT. A bottle of £2.99 plonk, some nibbles and good programme on the tele. It does me and hubby, especially when the weather is like it is at the minute, snow, wind and ice, brrrrrrrrr, give me my jimjams and slippers anyday!!!!

[Beans on Toast]

Thanks to all supermarkets for cheap beer and 3 for a tenner!!!! You know what I mean [:)]

[chris.g]

Oh yeshhhhhhhhhhh.....

[Beans on Toast]

As Homer Simpson once said, "Alcohol, it doesn't solve your problems, but it makes you feel better!"

[Beans on Toast]

Keep forgetting about that, conveniently!!!! Thanks again for cheering me up folks, you are truly wonderful people.

[tinytori]

i havent told any of my friends i feel ashamed, my mum knows but thats it, all i tell my friends is that we have a loan that we are paying out for....silly i know. i do think i will tell them soon enough but we we are ready.

xxxx