Will this feeling go away....?

[Bailo]

We have our creditors meeting next wednesday 6th June and I feel so anxious....the what ifs....what if we are accepted, what if we are not (nightmare) and will I still feel like this forever more....
I am thinking about all the phone calls, the worrying, the late nights, all the paperwork, more phonecalls, arguments with husband, calls from creditors, juggling payments, more worrying, more requests of payment...the depression....and then the worrying that if we are successful with an IVA is it the right thing to do....? Will it solve our problems, will we be viewed by more affluent friends as failure as frauds....? Have we failed in life, is it shameful? How have we got in this situation....and then I think I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5....so if accepted then are we just paying back 5/6 years of our lives together basically which almost makes some kind of falsness to our time/relationship together?Will these feelings go if accepted....or have i now lived this for so long that this situation has changed me forever and I will always have this forboding feeling of doom? x

[lem]

What you're feeling is perfectly normal, and I have to say over a year in, those feelings for me have gone, however, they have been replaced by continued worry about trying to stick to our budget, what if something goes wrong and we can't afford it?, will our IVA actually get to completion? what if we fail??? etc etc, so I do still worry but in a different way. I don't like having to have to answer to someone regarding our finances, I accept it but i don't like it and long for the day of freedom from that control over our lives. I don't like the fact that many doors have, for now, been closed to us, not just credit, but being able to remortgage and move house if we wanted to, even insurance products, far flung holidays, but I accept it. These are all trade offs I guess.

I am very much a pessimist and still think this will all go wrong and everything will come crashing down at some point, there is nothing so far to suggest it will but that's just how I am, I am sure (well hoping!) that once I get over the 3 year mark I will start to feel more optimistic that this will really come to a successful conclusion.

[Niobe]

We've all been there Bailo - you will feel anxious.

Once you are accepted you should get a feeling of relief realising that in five/six years you will be debt free. No more calls or letters and you should be able to get back on track. We had some bad times before the IVA was accepted but now we are closer than ever.

As to your friends - how do you know they are affluent? They may well be living off credit. They don't need to know of your situation at all. Just tell them that you are scaling back on things because of the cost of living these days.

[Shining]

Bailo, you've not failed in life or anything else. What you've done is got in a muddle and now you're finding a way to move forward and get out of it.

It can make you a stronger person where more is concerned as I know it has done that for me.

Is it the right thing to do is only for you to decide. It is a good debt remedy and I've never regretted entering an IVA.

The calls etc, when accepted will stop eventually but not immediately.

Life within an IVA isn't a bed of roses but we can live and we do manage, a good IP behind you supporting you is paramount.

Hope you're feeling more positive soon.

[lem]

One thing for us is that none of our friends or family know about our IVA anyway, our lives haven't changed all that much on a day to day basis, we still manage birthday and xmas presents for everyone, still manage a holiday albeit not like we used to holiday but I just tell family we are trying to save for a new sofa at the moment (which is kinda true although at the rate we're saving we will be out of the IVA before we ever get one!) we were never big into going out much anyway so for us, noone seems to have noticed anything any different

[Shining]

My life has changed a lot but so have I and I tell everyone is the new frugal me!

They wouldn't be your true friends if they thought any the less of you if you changed your lifestyle to suit the IVA. They needn't know about it unless you choose to tell them. x

[Bailo]

thank you guys; believe me hearing words from others in the same boat is such a support. I do have best friends who have own business which is doing well; very expensive car and holidays, all paid for. My best friend in particular sees those in BR as frauds and that they are robbing those who work hard. Although we have not managed money in the best way, alot of the debt now is down to just not earning enough to cover everything especially with a 15month old and now working part time....However although I have discussed the IVA avenue with other close friends who have shown the support and also close family which also think it sounds a good option in our situation, I will not be disclosing our situation going forward with my best friend. What worries me is that her husband has access to checking credit files and she will discuss that so and so has been made BR etc....Lets just hope we are not being viewed...sounds awful....but just in a different league.... I am hoping that if are accepted (fingers crossed) that it will take away some of the angst and also re-educate us to live without credit going forward as that will be it, but to the degree at the end that it is a refreshing and rewarding change and not a restriction in life.... Hoping also that my relationship with husband will be less stressful! thank you xx

[Shining]

I'm glad the forum is a support to you Bailo. Ignore what your friend thinks, that is his/her opinion and they are entitled to it but you don't have to share it.

Her husband shouldn't check your credit files without your permissioni surely? The Insolvency register is different that is open to the public.

The IVA will re-educate your finances. It will be a challenge at times and if you both understand it fully you'll move through it smoothly. Keep posting on the forum too. x

[kal]

I can only agree with what everyone else has said.
We all had that awful feeling when waiting for our meeting....god I remember it well.
You are definitely not a failure...far from it, you have recognised you need help and in a few years time, you will be the one that is laughing and debt free.
Only my mum knows about my IVA... And it is thanks to her that we had a F&F settlement agreed yesterday, so 4 years on our IVA is ending...and I must admit those 4 years have gone fairly quickly. I wish you well for your meeting.

[footiemad]

My feelings were and are much the same as everyone else who has commented. Just give yourself a huge pat on the back for doing the right thing and just remember nobody knows what the future will hold so try and be positive and enjoy your life. You will have bad days but so do millionaires and the good times, along with the knowledge that in 5 yrs this will all be behind you, will make up for this x

[oscar]

Hi Bailo

be good to yourself, go on please read my blod the very first article I did in particular it might just help a little and make you laugh at the same time.

On the 6th after you receive approval you will feel a huge relief and disbelief probably.

I cried when ours was approved and had to be told several times because just couldn't believe it after weeks of shaking and not sleeping and never opening the curtains! Really.

It really does get better from here.

You took the brave step of appplying for the IVA which took guts.

If you ever want to contact me directly you are very welcome to request my details from Andy Davie and I am happy to email you my number if you ever want to chat things through or express your concerns to someone independent whose been there literally and in complete confidence. I only discovered this forum 2 years after IVA approval and I can tell you are suffering right now but hang in, keep busy so you haven't got too much time to worry and try and get some good nights sleep, easier said than done I know. At the same time that we were awaiting IVA approval my mam died, I couldn't even afford a wreath and had to make excuses to everyone that I preferred my own florist!! Only my husband and I ever knew about our IVA until I had to tell his sister when his dad died because he was unable to contribute to funeral costs.

I am thinking of you and you will come through it because if we did it you can too, although it might not seem like it right now I know. Just keep supporting each other and be there for each other.

hugs
Oscar
x

[missyp]

Dear Bailo

I can totally sympathise with your worries and I know when our proposal was being put together over two years ago I had exactly the same feelings and emotions.

We did eventually tell all of our closest friends and family and it was a relief to get it off our chests quite honestly.

We had spent a good 3-4 years just about managing to keep our heads above water. Yes some of our friends are more affluent than others but I know that they are good friends and they do not judge us. If they had, we would no longer be friends.It is interesting to see how others do live their lives with their luxury holidays, expensive cars and designer clothes. I was not really part of that league anyway, so when you never had something you can't miss it.

But lets look at their lives from a different perspective. Perhaps they are £50k in debt and just being dellusional about that debt. Maybe they are mortgaged up to the hilt. Perhaps that brand new Merc is a company car and that their employment is a little shaky because the company is not performing well. I am sure their luxury holidays are paid for by credit card and not cash. Maybe what happened to me may happen to them in a couple of years down the line.

There are good weeks and bad weeks, I do still worry a lot, I dont think that will ever go away. I worry that I wont have enough money to pay the IVA this month, what if something awful happens again and beyond my control (hubby was made redundant twice in six months within our first year of the IVA). Fortunately having a caring and sympathetic IP helps with that.

I can say that I certainly don't miss the sleepless nights and breaking out in a sweat with worry. The endless piles of letters and bills coming through my letterbox. The phone constantly ringing from debt collectors. No more hiding when someone knocks the front door. Constant arguments about money with the hubby. The stress and strain it had on our marriage.

One big lesson I have learnt from all of this is to communicate and talk things through with my husband, because if we didn't our marriage would have ended by now.

Also if I am invited out with the girls and can't afford to go out, I tell them. More often than not they will change their original plans and arrange something else so that I can afford to go out with them. Thats having good friends for you.

If I need clothes and struggling that month for money, I look on Ebay, go on vouchercodes.co.uk and see what discounts I can get at stores. That helps.

Stay positive, think about your life in 5/6 years when you are debt free - its a welcome thought.

We are planning to do either a road trip down Route 66 in the States or take a month off and visit all of the Greek Islands. Whichever we choose it will be paid for by our hard earned cash and NOT BY CREDIT CARDS!!!

Good luck for the future.

[Tina Shortland]

Hi guys - sorry i have been off the air for a couple of days but back now and catching up! This forum is just so great - I have just read the whole thread and Bailo I hope you can feel the love and support coming your way. I know it won't change any facts but hopefully it will help you deal with the feelings.

Worry is a horrid thing as it eats away at you and can distort your thinking but in reality it serves absolutely no purpose when it is about something out of your control. If the thing is something you can change worry will be your alarm bell telling you something needs changing bt if its in someone else's hands then you have done all you can. Try and predict a positive outcome and trust that you will deal with whatever comes up and your IP will help you.

Easier said than done I know and being a worrier myself I could do with some of my own medicine!

As for your best friend - if they are a true best friend they will not judge or criticise you - friends don't do that, especially the best ones. I am concerned that people's private information is being discussed - if he has the professional access to such personal information it should not be shared with anyone outside of a professional need. And yes, you have to give your permission to allow someone to see your credit record, but seeing as that be done verbally over the phone there is nothing to stop someone assuming permission I guess. I would hope your best friend would not do that.

Really glad you found this forum Bailo - sounds like you really need it at the moment and everyone is here for you.

Take care

[dipsy]

Hi Bailo
Reading your post is like looking in the mirror. I am sure as the others have said, that we all go through the same thoughts at the time of entering into an IVA. I have had a really bad day today but then something happens to cheer you up. Life is not all bad and what will be, will be. Try to stay optimistic. It looks like we will be getting our creditors meeting through at about the same time so we can cheer each other up.
Take care and good luck. x

[Tina Shortland]

Hi Dipsy - wise words - its good to try and stay positive sorry to read you have had a bad day too - hope tomrorow is better for you both.