Firstly, I know that this is not a marriage guidance forum but I would really appreciate some help and advice if anyone can help me...
My husband and I have been in our IVA since 2006 - we've just made our 32nd payment! We also have a secured loan which we will be paying for another 7yrs.
We've been married 9yrs, together for 14yrs and we have 3 young children.
Our marriage is slowly but surely going 'down the pan' but to be honest, the only thing that's keeping me here right now is the worry about what would happen about money.
What happens to our IVA if we separate? Does it just get split down the middle?We have to remortgage for about £25,000 in the final yr of our IVA, but what'll happen if I'm then on my own? He brings in the most money and I'm absolutely terrified about leaving him and therefore spending the rest of my life with nothing.
What'd happen if I meet someone else (or he does)?? Do they get dragged into our wrecklessness and end up paying for our debt??
I just don't wanna spend my life with someone who feels nothing for me and is now starting to resent everything I do - just because I'm scared of sorting the financial side out.
I'm sorry this is so rambled, I haven't slept well for weeks and it's suddenly taking its toll.
He really is a good man and I know he'll take care of his children but I just don't feel that I can spend my life here.
It's always me who sorts out things between us, be it finances (yeah I obviously did a good job of those,didn't I??!) or home repairs.
Can I also ask while I think bout it...We put 50% of our overtime away and pay it to our IP at our annual review. A couple of months ago, I had a well over £500 car repair bill and I had to withdraw that money from the account which I pay the money into. We're slowly but surely paying extra money in whenever we can, but what'll happen if I'm a little short at our review in August? Can I pay the extra by paying a little more each month til it's cleared? If anything, I'll only be about £100-£200 short and I am trying hard to get that money saved but it's so hard and I'm panicking.
I don't know if anyone'll be able to help really but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Ricki
I'm afraid I cannot answer your technical questions regarding an IVA but just want to send my best wishes that everything works out for you. I'm sure one of the experts will be along shortly.
You have done so well, have already done 3 years, and can see the end in sight. I don't know your circumstances and how you are feeling and therefore wouldn't like to offer inappropriate advice. But you say you husband is not a bad man, it doesn't sound like anyone else is involved at the moment. Could it not be best to try and see it through to the end of the IVA. This would give you a clean start, also, who knows, the pressure that would be lifted at the end may decide you to give yourselves anyone chance?
Good luck in whatever you decide
Philx
I'm sorry to hear that things are going so badly for you, and I will answer as best I can.
If you were to seperate, then your IVA's can also be split so that you are paying a proportion each. Should you meet anyone else, then they will not have to put anything across to the IVA at all. If you were to move in together you would just have to show that they are putting money across to the household expenses and nothing else as the IVA would be nothing to do with them,
If you did split up, then who would be staying in the house?
A regards the overtime money, you have a valid reason for having spent that money, so I think your IP will be sympathetic towards that.
I would phone them up and speak to them on Tuesday and explain the situation to them and ask for their advice.
I am sure that one of the professionals will be along later to give some more advice.
I do hope you manage to get things sorted out Ricki.
Sharing from experiences of dealing with debt
The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.
Bob Marley. http://kallis3.blogs.iva.co.uk
I really am very sorry to hear of your troubles. Try not to throw in the towel with your marriage - after you have spoken to an IP and have a better idea of the direction you will be going in a better perspective will come through. Debt is an enormous strain - it is like a cancer that eats away - don't let it ruin you - it has done enough damage already. When I was really down and my wife became suicidal Jan and a lady on here called Pap helped enormously - lean on them - they won't mind. Good luck to you both!
Hi Ricki
I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles. I can only imagine the strain you're living under at the moment. You and your husband have done so well to reach your 32nd payment, I am full of admiration for you both.
I'm still a learner at all this so can't really answer any of your questions, I'd hate to give you the wrong info but I just wanted to let you know that people here are more than happy to support you and help you through this.
Please keep posting and let us know how things are going, or if you need help.
Speak to your IP on Tuesday and let them know what's going on and get their expert opinion on how your iva will be affected. Most of all, look after yourself, you and your family are far more important than any money issue, and that comes first.
First things first - let's deal with the easy bits.
If you have not got all of the overtime money to hand at the time of your annual review, this is not going to be a major hurdle for you. Just provide the IP with a copy of your repair bill and they will work out how much, if any, you still need to pay. This can be covered over the remaining term of the IVA if necessary - but try not to do this again without telling them.
If you do split up from your husband, this does not necessarily bring an end to the IVAs - but I assume that this will affect your disposable income given that you will have to fund the cost of two homes. So this is something to consider if and when that happens - and it may be possible for your IVA to be separated from your husband's if you can afford to maintain your share of the payments.
The hard issue to comment on is your relationship itself. If you are not happy, then it is unlikely you are providing a happy home for the children, and you do still have a life to live. It must be incredibly difficult existing, and knowing that you are with the wrong person, and gone are the days when women stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of the childrenm through fear of lack of financial support or from fear of being left alone. Don't use the IVAs an an excuse to stay within an unhappy relationship, if the causes for the unhappiness are not debt related. If they are, then you need to have a chat with your IP to see if your payments could be reduced.
I send you my best wishes and good luck for making what is perhaps the hardest decision of your life, but you may find that you are at a life turning point where there is only one way to go.
Hi Ricki - I to am sorry to hear of your personal problems.
You probably have two separate but interlocking IVA's - as other posters have said speak to your IP and discuss in confidence with him/her your situation pointing out that you don't want them to discuss the personal issue with your husband.
I am sure there will be a way to resolve the issue.
The other posters advice is correct.
Has your joint financial problems caused the problems with your marriage? Have you ever thought of seeking councelling?
I hope you are able to resolve your personal issues.
Last edited by David Mond on Sun Apr 12, 2009 5:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Regards, David Mond, Insolvency Practitioner for over 46 years. Personal Insolvency Practitioner of the year 2012, Personal Insolvency Practitioner of the year finalist 2013 & 2014 awarded by Insolvency & Rescue Magazine and 2015 finalist for Personal Insolvency Firm of the Year.
Sometimes marriages just dont work,for whatever reason,but dont let debts tie you into a loveless relationship,because its just not good for anyone,you,your partner or the kids.
If you think there is any chance at all of saving things,then you have to try with all your heart,but if deep down you know its long gone then dont hang around. We only get one life to live on this earth and its a short time that we have to make our mark.Your marriage wasnt a pointless exercise,you have 3 beautiful children as proof of that,but for their sake if nothing else look at whats best for you all.
Whatever you decide to do we are all here for support.
Paul
Discharged today the 8th feb 2012. View is much brighter now.
Continuing to rebuild our credit worthiness.
I am catholic - my PP has just been to see my wife - our money troubles have got the better of her. I showed him Melanie's post to you. He replied "It is the best piece of advice I have seen for a long time- how right that woman is". Thought you may like to hear that. Best wishes.
Oh my goodness,thank u all so much for your amazing advice. The money problems aren't the cause of our marital problems,although they obviously don't help. I'm just terrified about leaving my husband and resigning myself and my children to a harder life than we have already. Having said that,they're noticing that mammy and daddy are arguing so I'm not protecting them as a mammy should already.
I'm so scared but I can't face the rest of my life in a loveless marriage just so I can buy more treats for my kids.
I'm so so greatful for all your help and advice,I'm taking it all into my thoughts and I so appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me.
I feel such a wreck and a b***** mess but it's good to realise people will listen to me whinge!!
Thank you again,
xxx
Ricki you can come on here any time with your problems, there is always someone to listen and advise and support.
I do hope you manage to sort things out. My thoughts are with you.
Sharing from experiences of dealing with debt
The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.
Bob Marley. http://kallis3.blogs.iva.co.uk
You are not a wreck neither are you a mess - you are a human being with all the impediments that go with it - look after yourself otherwise you will not be able to look after your children. You are their stability and YOU WILL ACHIEVE IT. You are not alone anymore.
I agree that staying in a loveless marriage is not on but your children presumably are young and at a very difficult age - I know it is easy to say but try not to argue with the children in ear shot. You have to be strong for them. Why do you think it best that they stay with their father? Emotional stress is a very difficult matter to deal with and I do suggest counselling even if only for you to help sort out your fealings and to take the best possible way forward. Good luck.
Last edited by David Mond on Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Regards, David Mond, Insolvency Practitioner for over 46 years. Personal Insolvency Practitioner of the year 2012, Personal Insolvency Practitioner of the year finalist 2013 & 2014 awarded by Insolvency & Rescue Magazine and 2015 finalist for Personal Insolvency Firm of the Year.
Hi I am really sorry to hear that. I have felt as if my marriage has been in trouble since before christmas and it came to a head last week and my husband was going to move out and I was going to declare myself bankrupt, we also have a 10 year old. In the end we sat down and had a good old talk and aired some of our problems and have since decided we are going to try and sort it out but that we would also both make more of an effort with each other. I know its hard but you maybe able to sort things out xx
Well done to you Locko for having the courage to sit and discuss where things have gone wrong and try to put them right again. Often this is the hardest thing to do, and it is so difficult telling your life partner some home truths and hearing them back, but once cards are put on the table you then start to move forward.
