I've been lurking here for a while and have finally spoken to Tina at Melanie Giles. I had the unpleasant task of telling my husband last night of the mess I had got myself into - I'm not brave enough to say how much yet as I'm too ashamed.
He is destroyed (understandably) and won't talk to me - I have explained how this mess can be sorted etc but he is still shellshocked. Does anyone have any experience of this?
soashamed first of all welcome to the forum, secondly you ar in safe hands with Tina, she was the first person I spoke to also.
In regards to your husband I am sure he may well be shell shocked at your debt revelation, whatever the amount is. All I would say is you have done right to tell him and however long you have worried about this, remember the worry has been gradual for yourself, however, he has suddenly had it thrust upon him so I would say allow him time to get his head round things.
I hope you also told him that you are now seeking professional assistance to get out of the awful position you now find yourself in and that there "may" be a light at the end of the tunnel....as he will need to have at least something to grasp onto.
I am sure it will take a bit of time for him to get his head around things but also make him aware that you are not alone in running up a debt mountain......theres a lot more in the exact same position as yourself as you can see from these boards.
In any event keep posting and you will always have support from this forum.
As for your husband...give him time would be my advice.
I came into this world with nothing and still have most of it left!
Big hugs hun..I have experience of being in the same situation as your husband. I had NO idea how bad things were...first I really knew abou it was when the repossession letter landed on the doormat. We had 14 days to get out and so everything came out then.
I love my partner and know now he was doing everything he could to protect me and our young children from what was going on. I actually feel upset now to think he had all this worry and stress and couldn't confide in me..I wish he had earlier as we may not have had to go down the road we did.
Anyhow. At first I was angry, furious and threatened to take the girls, leave him and go to my parents. But I did realise, and it didn't take long, that none of it was done in malice. He go into a muddle and was too scared and ashamed to tell me. We go through it together and are stronger than ever. We are even getting married next year.
It is a shock to him now. If he truly loves and supports you he will come around.
Please, please don't be ashamed here. We are ALL here to help and support each other. No one will judge you here.
Thank you both - I am beside myself with worry and haven't been well, I had to tell him, he cried like a baby - I hated doing that to him.
He lost everything 10 years ago when his then wife left him - he met me and really believed I was hi saviour - he trusted me and I have messed everything up.
Will I feel better in a few days - I thought I would be relieved once I tiold him, but I feel awful
My previous relaionship ended horribly (Bella, TakeaBreak and the Mirror wanted to buy the story..that's how bad it was) and I found it very difficult to trust again. Trust and honesty were very important to me. I did feel utterly betrayed, confused and shed many a tear. My love for him was always there though. I realised we needed to get through this together. Time is a great healer.
Remember you are doing all you can to resolve things now.
soashamed I am sure you will both feel better...it may take a little time but as angel has said...time is a great healer.
Unfortunately you have broken your Husbands trust I would imagine and possibly dented his faith in you for the moment, but in the same breath I would add you have recognised the problem and are now thankfully on the road to putting things right.
In your defence, however, you have to ask yourself whether you were the only person who benefitted out of all this debt. I am sure you will of beat yourself up over this for quite a while and I doubt theres anything that your husband can say to make you feel much worser than you do already, but unfortunately you will have to let him get it out his system.
Last edited by Pennyless on Fri Oct 16, 2009 3:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I came into this world with nothing and still have most of it left!
Hi there and a very warm welcome to the forum, you're amongst friends here who will offer advice or support whatever is required.
You've done the hard thing you've told your hubby, understandably he's shocked, we all would be, you've also spoken Tina who works with Melanie Giles an excellent IP who will advise you of the best solution for you.
I hope your husband soon speaks to you about this and you can reassure him you're doing everything to resolve the situation and tell him you're with one of the best IP's in the profession.
Hope the situation gets easier for you very soon and do stick around with us. x
IVA final payment left the bank on the 26th January 2013...looking forward to a debt free future.
I know I have hurt him terribly - I don't know what to say to him - he won't talk to me and went out hours ago to the shop that is 2 minutes away - perhaps he is walking or gone to the pub or something.
I feel so desperate and so selfish - I can;t see how we're ever going to get through this
soashamed70 you will get through this...may not look like it today but you will.
Eventually you also have to stop beating yourself up also. You are not alone in feeling guilty etc for what you have done but eventually like all of us on here you accept what you have done and start, like you have already done, to make amends.
Stay strong.
I came into this world with nothing and still have most of it left!
Soashamed dont worry if your posts are not always positive.....theres more of us on here than you so we'll get you there in the end lol.
What you need to do at the moment is let your hubby calm down and concentrate as you rightly say on getting the required info for Tina. Unfortunately you may need your husbands assistance to sort some of your documentation out but just do what you can at the moment.
Soashamed you will quickly discover that you can get advice, help and assistance from this site and there are times when all of us are either struggling or at times elated during the process but one things a "given"....you will be able to share any of your feelings on this board without being judged!
Good luck....and eat something!
I came into this world with nothing and still have most of it left!
Thank you Pennyless - he has returned and just said hello which I suppose is better than saying nothing at all - not sure if I should ask him if he wants to talk - probably not I should imagine
soashamed he will make out he doesn't want to talk but inside I'm sure he still has a lot of questions and needs to get it out of his system with you . Unfortunately you will have to make the first move I would think, then just listen and reassure him.
Your on a "trust" building road for the forseable future in my opinion but trust you he will, as he will soon realise your not a criminal and we are not all perfect.
Remember we dont always get in debt because we are selfish....sometime its because we want the best for us and our families and sometimes sensibility fails us.
PS: Although it may feel like it now, you wont be the first or the last to be in your position.
Last edited by Pennyless on Fri Oct 16, 2009 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I came into this world with nothing and still have most of it left!
Pennyless wrote:
Remember we dont always get in debt because we are selfish....sometime its because we want the best for us and our families and sometimes sensibility fails us.
Exactly! That is one of the things that made me start to open up the lines of communication with my partner. I know the debts weren't spent on clothes, gadgets, holidays but on trying to live and keep a roof over our head. He was trying his best for us all.
I'm pleased he is back and has said hello. It is a step in the right direction.
