Do I, Or Don't I.... That is the question!!

[Judo]

Hi all.

Hope the gorgeous bank holiday weather is treating you all well.

I am very close to my parents. They know nothing of our IVA at present but I am debating whether or not to tell them. We do owe them money as they bailed us out of a huge car problem at the beginning of this year. They have told me to pay them back as and when I can and I know they mean that but obviously things are tight now and I could only ever give it them in tiny amounts. I feel so guilty because every time I go to visit them I feel like they are expecting me to give them some money! This is probably not the case but I feel like I need to explain the situation to them so they know what to expect.
You always think you know somebody and I would like to think my parents would be most supportive (although very shocked). What if they react completely differently to how I imagined!? I really feel I could tell my mum but might quite not have the nerve to tell my dad! (maybe mum could do that bit for me. lol)
What do you guys think? xx

[Foggy]

Judo -- I am afraid only you can really answer this question. It would be nice to have someone "in the flesh" to be able to chat to about the IVA over a cuppa, but only you can guess at the reaction.

If my mum were still with us I would probably have told her (she always passed on what news she thought was "safe" to dad for me!) ... but I don't think she'd have passed this snippet to dad ... and there is no way on earth I am telling him. It's not that he'd react badly ... he would worry himself sick, and, at 85, it's the last thing he needs.

[Wizzzard]

I would tell them Judo ...and probably explain that when the IVA is completed you will use the saved funds to help pay off what you owe them. By then you will be used to living off your funds and won't feel the bite so much. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by their reaction. Good luck.

[Judo]

Thanks Foggy. The only person I have told about this is one of my best friends. I just feel like I owe it to my parents to tell them. I don't want them to ever think that I have forgotten about the money I owe them or that I have no intention of paying it back. I guess I just need them to understand that I won't be able to pay it back as quickly as they might like!

The point you made about your dad is also one that concerns me. I know for a fact that more than anything my mum and dad (especially my dad) would worry constantly and I don't want to put that extra weight on their shoulders. My dad is in recovery from cancer and he is the light of my life! He has always been supportive of me and I have always been his little girl. I just feel like I am deceiving them and that cuts me up inside!

[Judo]

Thank you Wizzard. They are not rich people. They don't have that much money at all. I know they dug into their savings to give me what I needed and it hurts me knowing that. I don't think I could make them wait 5 years and why should they?! The IVA is set up and thats great but 'lying' to my mum and dad kinda makes me feel very sick at the end of the day.

[briggadeen]

Judo I think you should tell your mum at least. We told both my parents when the sh*t hit the fan basically and they helped us out, like yours they haven't got a lot of money and they told us not to pay it back.

We did need further help from hubby's parents and it was more substantial. We managed to pay a little back before the IVA began but they now know our situation and I must admit I do feel a little guilty about still owing money. They will get the full amount one day.

I feel like a burden was lifted when I told our problem, my mum is so helpful and buys my little one a packet of vests when they are on offer and I appreciate this so much. And I know she is doing what she can to help. My parents would never be in a position to loan us the money to clear our debt. And I would never expect that off them.

[Shining]

As others say Judo you will know if it's the right thing to do. If I thought my Mum would understand I would tell her but unfortunately she wouldn't even understand what an IVA was.

I've told a very close family friend but she's never mentioned it since and my youngest daughter knows so it's nice to share and be able to chat with people.

All the best with whatever you decide. x

[kallis3]

I'm the same as you Lesley - my mum is very funny about debt, especially as she and my father have never been in debt at all.

My daughter and step kids know and that's all.

[Judo]

Thanks all.

Jan. My parents have never been in debt either. I don't believe they have taken any credit for anything!!
They are good ole fashioned savers and won't buy a thing until they can afford it! ( I wish I had listened to them more!)

I know for a fact that we could NEVER tell my mother in law. I love her to pieces but she would certainly have a problem with it and we owe her money too!
I might wait until I have some time alone with my mum and then tell her. I hate keeping things from her, even something like this. She would not have a clue what an IVA is and may well be a little shocked at what I tell her but I feel I must.
Thanks all. I really appreciate your thoughts and input! xx

[kallis3]

I wouldn't dare ask to borrow money from my parents - we've always managed to get anything we need as a gift.

[Shining]

You know your Mum Judo and it sounds like you'll be fine. A little shocked as you say but understanding. My Mum I meant wouldn't understand not because of her good money management bless her, she can't read or write and isn't the brightest light bulb in the box but I love her dearly for who she is. I could tell her but she'd relay it to everyone all wrong and before you know it, I'd be locked up in her version of events, we laugh sometimes but bless her you have to be so careful just what you do tell her. x

[Judo]

Normally we wouldn't have either. But we had problems with our car since late last year and then in January it decided to chuck a major sicky and we just did not have the money. I had to ask for a loan from my mum and dad and OH asked his mum for some too otherwise we just wouldn't have mananged it.
The pressure I am feeling right now to pay them back is enormous. They put me under no pressure it is all me! None of them have mentioned it as of yet. Just me...again...

I hope to god this car sees us through the next five years or we are well and truly screwed!!

[kallis3]

Fingers crossed Judo!

I don't have an inlaws at all so it's just my mum and dad. They'd kill me if they knew of the debt we were in!

[Judo]

I do lesley. I have a great relationship with both of them. I just sort of feel like a school child that has done something naughty and is trying to pluck up the courage to tell them both!
Bless your mum. I remember us going through something similar with my grandad. It was hard work at times but my god we have some memories. x

[Skippy]

I can remember screwing up the courage to tell my mum and she was fine about, and more upset that I hadn't told her in the first place. I wouldn't have been able to tell my Dad as he would have been so worried, which wouldn't have done him any good as he had MS and any worry made him worse.

I wouldn't be able to tell Dave's mum as she can't even understand people having a mortgage! I be banned from marrying into the family!

Good luck with whatever you decide Judo x