Been told we are 'stupid'

[MelanieGiles]

You have to be totally committed to the IVA process to make it effective. The fact that you are having doubts, and taking advice from unqualified persons indicates that you are not sure it is the right way forward. We do need to chat about this off-line.

[TheMatrix]

You won't be paying over the odds for the mortgage forever. After 6 years your credit rating will be wiped so it really will be a fresh start from that point onwards.

And like everyone else is saying at least with a IVA, you'll not have to worry about the interest piling up on top of the debt.

And just think 60 months will go before you know it, then all the remaining debt will be wiped out.

That to me is not stupid, it's a good way to clear your debts and get out of the mess we are both in.

[luluj]

It's not stupid - it's sensible and a way forward rather than constantly looking over your shoulders! Yes it is hard and at times seems impossible to manage, but a year into our IVA I can honestly say, apart from marrying my husband it is the best decision I have made! I can now see the end is in sight and believe you me never never will I touch a credit card again!

You have admitted the hardest thing and realised you need support - now keep going and this forum will give you the strength you need to get through it!

10 down 50 to go!

[quark2008]

I think Optimist might be spending the other 50% on something to keep him up in the optimistic clouds !!!

[Moneystinks]

Well said Ladyh

[drowning-mummy]

Have spent yet another whole day feeling nervous. The old eczema has flared up again. I just cant seem to keep it together and I'm having trouble sleeping.
Have done some more research today too. Friend said that I would have to give all my equity in 4th year and continue paying the IVA for 5 years, thus making us pay almost double, well thats codswollop! If I have any equity then I can simply pay the balance plus fees and interest and then stop the monthly payments, I didnt know that. I'm just so scared and feel like I'm letting everyone down. The letters and calls are persistent and I have racked my brain on how I can pay these people back in full, but I have no answers, so that leads back to the IVA. We just have no money at the moment, and its such a strain without the credit!!!

Kazzy, yep you are right, we should not have told them what we are planning to do. We didnt expect that response.

Melanie: I will call the office tomorrow am. Its not that I am not committed, its just that I am so scared. I feel like a let-down and a failure. I'm too scared to speak to the banks, when all I really want to say is "I'm sorry and I will pay you back". I'm just terribly confused. Wish we had some equity so that we could just remortgage and be done with it.

[Everyone else: Everyone else, thanks for all the responses. Makes me feel more positive about entering into an IVA. I had visions of being called up and told off for buying a lipstick! But now it seems, that as long as we make our payments and dont have any credit then we are free to live our lives. There is even a chance that I can do some overtime and pay off more of the balance too. That makes me feel less guilty.

Right off to bed for another sleepless night.

[animaleyes76]

drowning-mummy,

try not to be so worried and feeling like a failure. You've started the ball rolling and it DOES get better. I promise. )

The calls will stop and you will get back to a normalish life, a life that will definitey be better than it is now, free of worry and sadness.

WIsh I could give you a hug but the best i can do is *HUG* so there you go. There's plenty of people on here wishing you the best. I know at the moment it all seems a nightmare but bear with it and with Melanie holding your hand you'll be fine ) xx

[angela18]

you do whats right for you and your family.. and stuff everyone else.. who do they think they are!!

[animaleyes76]

spot on ang and ladyh )

[kallis3]

Glad to hear that you are more positive dm.

Your friends should be ashamed of themselves for upsetting you like that.

[freelili]

Lady h b***** good post.

Dm

I can so understand your fear, I felt like that too. When Melanie first started posting she gave me really good advice, I was just too scared to take it. I felt like I was signing my life away. She didnt judge me, I had to be sure of what I was doing in my own mind. I was too low to come to any decision, shame guilt and the worst fear, I would actually shake with it. One minuite you just want to scream, please help me, the next, drive a knife into your stomach to stop the churning and to stop hating yourself so much. And if you catch yourself in the mirror, dont you just want to scream you stupid cow, how did you do this???? Well thats how it was for me, paralysing fear.

Whats the cure? For starters these calls, stuff em, they only want a payment so they can meet their targets. You owe money, thats true but youre still human, dont let them dehumanise you.

How much do you want this to end?? How much do you want to stay in that house? You have to start with you and what you want to happen.

Blame, that doesnt matter now, whats done is done, youre not a terrbile person for making a mistake, the same mistake that hundreds and thousands of us do/did to end up here.

Forgive yourself, dont let this make you suffer anymore than it already has. Take advice, think about it and then decide.

What other people think, dont worry about that, so many judges and jury's out there, you cant please em all. To understand where someone is coming from you must walk a mile in their shoes by that time youre a mile away so who cares?

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU,

[luluj]

Once your IVA is set up a whole new lease of life starts - it is as they say a struggle some months initially learning to live life within a budget - but it is a satisfying challenge!

Your financial friend - well if i were you, when everything settled, I would sit him down and explain what an IVA is and what impacts it have - pointing out to him his advice around equity release was totally wrong and the damage he may cause to other people by offering incorrect advice!

Keep focused and all will be ok - this forum is a great place to run things past people - we do not judge or criticise, we simply offer a shoulder and place to come to when you are feeling low!

10 down 50 to go!

[drowning-mummy]

Lily,
That is exactly how I feel. Reading your post has helped as you are clearly beyond that.
I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like that. I just dont want to take this whole thing lightly, like a walk in park!
I look at my children and feel that it is them that I have let down but as many have said, children are happier just being with mum and dad in the park rather than alone in a room stuffed full of toys!

I email said friend last night, I sent a link to some IVA questions (I was very nice) and just pointed out that I would not lose my house and that if I wanted to take the girls to the zoo or the beach then I would not be reprimanded for this as long as I could make my payments. I also pointed out that I wasnt dodging any debt and that the equity release or/and overtime would actually give us a chance to pay it all back. He hasnt replied but it is only just gone nine, besides, I dont want to read it today.
Had another sleepless night, that coupled with a baby that just wont sleep. living on 3-5 hours sleep a night so no wonder I feel emotional and exhausted. Gonna stop typing now as crying again and have to compose myself to call Melanie.

[angela18]

oh hope things get better.. can you not go back to bed with little one for an hour.. you do what you think is right.. i'm sure you'll be fine x

[freelili]

Hang on in there.... I wish I could give you a hug.

Your friend wont understand, dont take anything he/she says too personally. How can they know what this nightmare is like for you. Youre very delicate at the moment, I remember feeling like a bag of water, the sligntest negative and I was haemorraging tears..

It will get better I promise...

Again, we are hear and always willing to listen.