www.iva.co.uk

I feel so miserable and desperate tonight, had a massive row with hubby, he has stormed out!!!! so come on.... any jokes???? make me laugh!!!!

This is funny...And for real.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an
S)by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had
an accident... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

Thank you..... lol

Hi gill.p
Hope you are ok [:)]
Don't really know any jokes but I am sure hubby will come back when he has calmed down.
Hope you can talk to each other about everything, it is sometimes difficult I know as you may have a different outlook on things.
I know that I seem to worry more than my hubby and he thinks I worry unnecessarily but that is just how I am. I do find it frustrating sometimes when he is so laidback about everything and I can't sleep.
I hope things get better for you, I will be thinking of you!

Pixie
Your post made me laugh.
I love your quote too. I love Bon Jovi and recognised the words as soon as I read them.
My guilty pleasure is playing my Bon Jovi cds at full blast when I have the house to myself. [:D][:D]

I have some but can't post them here !!!

There'd be too many starred out words

********* ******* but then ******* *** and ****** was *******!!!!!! lol

Oh Chris that was funny !! I haven't heard that one before

Hubby tells me I should be on the stage............sweeping it!!!!
Oh, the old ones are the best....sometimes!!!!

LOL - in his case maybe not !!!

Pixie that really made me laugh.. especially as i have just got up. boiled kettle.. opened fridge and know b****y milk!!!!!!

why do people not say "Ooh I've just used the last of the milk" Grr!!

Insurance claim form gaffes

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are the collection made
by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag-

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on
the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car
didn't give way."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to
apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first
slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but
didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached
over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into
the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and
headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head
through it".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the b**per of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows."

People say the funniest things....My eldest boy was at football the other week ant they were talking about how long their trainer's were lasting them, one lad piped in...'these are canny, I've had them since I bought them'!!!! Don't think he'll live that down in a hurry.....

sounds abit like triggers broom!!